His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
