If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize