don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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