walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize