i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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