Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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