he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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