Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
