just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
