After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
