i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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