I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
