Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
you mean i was at the winter classic?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
