dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
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