No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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