i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
