OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
