My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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