I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
