Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
