dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
sex in a hospital.. check
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
