I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize