I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
