Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
