If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
