You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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