I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I think your dad took our porno
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
