What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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