Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
