yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
