we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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