Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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