sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Randomize
