I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize