I love black thongs
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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