When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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