I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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