he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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