I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
