i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
You are a genius and a whore.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
