I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
