I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
