I accidentally burped into my bong.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
