On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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