I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
