You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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