I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
