Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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