Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
