mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
