bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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