Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
