ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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