he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
