I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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