Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
