Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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