Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
