awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
