1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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