Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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