remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
