i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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