One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
He had one of those small greek statue penises
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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