i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize