One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
