Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
