do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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