So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I think my moral compass just broke
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize